Wake Up Kall

For the past couple of weeks I've had the pleasure of a Korean wake up call.

Every morning, around 8 o'clock, a truck full of fruit under a canopy will park itself on the corner, beside my building. To sell their wares, it's equipped with a Blues Brothers megaphone and a looping recording of a very loud sales pitch. The seller needs only to drive the truck while the recording plays non-stop, the following message:

"Bwow-wa-wa-wow-wow, mmmph meya, wa-wa wow-wow...."

It sounds exactly like a Charlie Brown cartoon teacher operating a fast food drive-thru speaker. This truck will blast its message on the street corner for about five minutes, then do a drive by of my building looking for people who desire fruit at 8am in the morning. It still blasts it's "fruit or else!" message as it passes under my window.

I guess this fruit truck is the Korean version of the ice-cream truck back home, except there's no soft jingle of bells. Just a Charlie Brown teacher chastising me about not doing my homework. Instinctively, I always jerk awake replying "Yes Ma'am" sheepishly.

I'm faced with Peppermint Patty's nightmare: An angry, incoherent elder.

At my school, I work from 2pm-10pm and then usually go out for food and/or drinks afterwards. So I don't get to bed until two or sometimes even 4am. Despite this, the fruit truck insists I wake up at 8am. No rooster. No alarm clock. Just a deafening message offering fruit for breakfast.

I'm thinking of buying all the fruit he has to sell to put a stop to this. But, for the month of August, our school schedule will change to 9am-5pm. Given this, I'll definitely need this loud-speaker in August to provide me with an 8am wake up call. I'll thank him for the service.

And of course, have fruit for breakfast.

L-shaped Women

Walking around Busan, you can't help but notice the staggering beauty of Korean girls. Slim, fashionable and striding along sidewalks in heels that seem ridiculously comfortable to them, regardless of the uneven ground beneath their feet. They're ubiquitous in Busan. Trying to spot one that's even slightly out of shape or flawed in some way takes some doing.

Then along comes the L-shaped Women.

Amongst the Korean Stepford Wives, there stands out elderly ladies who are permanently hunched over. These poor old women, who look no less than 80 years old, are forever folded in half. They look like the old man on the cover of Led Zeppelin 4, minus the bundle of sticks. But they have the wizened features of someone who could dispense limitless knowledge. I think they should be on top of Korean mountains providing sage advice to fearless climbers. Instead, they walk the street, permanently hunched, making eye-contact with the waists of people who walk by.

What have they been carrying for 80 years?!?!?

I feel like I'll see them again one day on a Fox Television episode of "When Yoga Goes Wrong". Needing closure, I asked one of my Korean friends about the L-shaped Women. He told me that it's the result of calcium deficiency (Obviously, he's much smarter than me). With next to no milk and cheese in the Korean diet, this is the possible end result.

To think that the outcome for the myriad of Korean beauties I see are to grow old and take on the form of a Sesame Street character letter is pretty scary. I now think that the "Got Milk?" ads back home got it all wrong. Most of them show some athletically fit, drop-dead gorgeous girl with a milk moustache. I propose a new campaign: Ads that say "Drink Milk...Or Else" and show a picture of an L-shaped Woman.

Or the cover of Led Zeppelin 4, minus the bundle of sticks.

Konglish 101

Konglish is a term for Korean-English which means one or all of the following:

a) Mixing Korean words with English words
b) Misspelled books and signs
c) Broken English (spoken or written)

The children at my school are notorious for all of these, mostly (c). I've written some of the dialogue below that I've experienced over the past few months. Some of it is correct English, but it's just so damn funny that I've included it here. So in the tradition of Bill Cosby, kids say the darnedest things...

Me: Why didn't you do your homework?
Student: I'm not understand this.

Me: For homework, finish exercise three on page 57.
Student: Dan is babo!
(Note: 'Babo' is the korean word for 'stupid')

Me (On the phone): Are you ready for phone checking?
Student: Yes.
Me: Okay, turn to page 21 of your textbook for your first question.
Student: I can't. I don't have book.
Me: Okay, I'll wait while you go and get your textbook.
Student: Teacher... I'm on toilet.

Me: Copy the sentences on this page please.
Student: Copy?
Me: Yes.
Student: Copy and donuts?

Student: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No.
Student: Why not?

Me: Today, we're going to talk about sharks. Does anyone know anything about sharks?
Student: Teacher, sharks is very delicious! Very expensive!

Me: What do you think of nude models?
Student #1 (girl): Not smart.
Student #2 (girl): Slim.
Student #3 (boy): Beautiful.
Student #4 (boy): Sexy.
Student #5 (boy): I want it!
(Note: Hey, gimme a break! The topic was in the textbook and this was an advanced class, discussing stereotypes of nude models, politicians, teachers, etc.)

Me: What do you think of public breastfeeding?
Student: Teacher, I don't want to make a baby in public.
(Note: Again, this was my advanced class. The student meant to say 'milk'.)

Student (boy): Teacher, Jiny punch me!
Me: Jiny...no punching.
Student (Jiny): I NOT PUNCH!

Me: Billy, can you give me the answer to number two?
Student (Billy): Skip.

Me: Tom... where's your book?
Student (Tom): Book no!

Me: How old are you?
Student: I'm fine thank you. And you?

That's all folks!

For now...